tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post8835246611234384523..comments2023-10-15T10:35:46.589-04:00Comments on Dust Bunnies by Amanda Louise Spayd: Depression is a Real Thing and I struggle with itAmanda Louise Spaydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-24315973328355016132015-05-02T16:31:55.447-04:002015-05-02T16:31:55.447-04:00Its always refreshing to see people willing to tal...Its always refreshing to see people willing to talk about the reality of depression. I know how difficult it can be, especially when you're in a position to censor yourself because of how your web personality can be tied with your business. Not only are you putting yourself out there emotionally, but also financially, and I want to give you mad props for your bravery. Its amazing how the creative fields offer so much healing, understanding and sharing for the pain of human existence. What a joy to now have the internet to be able to express those feelings on a large scale (but without the terrible pain of rejection we fear from being face to face!) Humanity keeps finding solutions. <br /><br />Hopefully this doesn't come off as offensive, but I see a lot of similarities with your symptoms as mine, but I am very aware I suffer from PTSD since childhood, as well as attachment disorder where I never had a chance to bond with a parent as most infants do. Even if long ago trauma is not the source of your depression, I would recommend IFS therapy for what you're going through now. <br /><br />Your depression isn't necessarily a failure on your part as a successful creative human being, but quite possibly a coping strategy your body utilizes to deal with daily life. And you may hate every aspect of what that depression entails - but its still your body doing the best it can to protect you. The feelings of shame, guilt, frustration and self hatred that arise are all in response to how out of control you feel having your body hijacked by a protector out of your control. But meeting that protector, learning about them and appreciating the good intentions they have for you, even when they're hurting you, gets you one step closer to understanding and loving all of you. And with that comes more acceptance and control. <br /><br />We all have felt like we needed to be heard at one time or another and we were completely ignored, leaving us feeling insignificant and vulnerable. But unfortunately we do that to parts of our inner self and don't even realize it. Until we can acknowledge those messages and feelings, our bodies will keep interfering and demanding attention, growing in destructiveness until we have to stop and listen. <br /><br />I know it can be a hard journey - I go for days to weeks in a daze only to wake up with what I call emotional pins and needles. I'm constantly fighting a veil over my ability to feel and perceive the world. And choosing to feel, knowing how much it can hurt after being numb for so long is terrifying - especially since I have no memories of ever being 'normal' because the damage done to me was when I was a toddler. But for me its the only way forward. At 32 I finally decide the pain of healing was better than the numbness of what I have called life.<br /><br />There's some great info on IFS here - http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html Even if you aren't ready for therapy, just reading about how we rearrange our inner selves to deal with hardships can help you on your journey of self acceptance. <br /><br />I love that you create flawed anxious creations that people see and love and want to have in their life. If we could all love our own flawed parts in the same way we would certainly have much more joy.<br /><br />Thanks again for sharing your story, as well as your art!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10307260178917861150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-68851897942822929922015-02-13T20:52:03.342-05:002015-02-13T20:52:03.342-05:00Reading through this post has just been an incredi...Reading through this post has just been an incredibly weird and surreal experience. <br />You've just laid out my entire life in front of me and it's so comforting to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. As an aspiring (and struggling) artist, the beautiful work that you create and share brings an astounding amount of hope and inspiration to me. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experiences with depression, this has shined a little light into helping me understand the mental illness I'm also struggling with. <br />Thank you and I hope you achieve all you wish to achieve.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-1593359330038132242015-02-03T18:17:04.240-05:002015-02-03T18:17:04.240-05:00Mandi (or I guess it's Amanda now), I saw your...Mandi (or I guess it's Amanda now), I saw your most recent post on Instagram, which brought me to your blog, which brought me to this post. I know we haven't talked or seen each other in years, but we should. My email is beth at bethsteffel dot com. Send me an email and I'll send you my ph#. We should reconnect. I miss you.Beth A. Steffelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06088988199227590353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-40475764563936949672015-01-24T00:08:17.927-05:002015-01-24T00:08:17.927-05:00I know exactly where you sit I'm there sitting...I know exactly where you sit I'm there sitting right by you. <br />I stay up all night i think because some time around 10pm<br />the dratted voice that critics at everything finally shuts up.<br />its sad when I got up early hoping I can get a full day in doing things.<br />so many ideas and I have tons of supplies, but i'm paralyzed .<br /><br />I've followed you on and off for years.<br />I'd been living in chicago and<br /> had the missed fortune of not finding you <br />when we lived there .<br /><br />I love seeing how your dolls have grown<br />they have such heart, you can sit and look <br />in their eyes and know they'll listen.<br />they come from a person of depth I know.<br /><br />my journal really isn't x rated<br /> its marked that way to keep it off the search engines.<br />you are welcome to visit my loft<br />any time <br />I will come here much more often <br />to cheer you on<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-66543449100228759872015-01-21T17:06:03.616-05:002015-01-21T17:06:03.616-05:00I always heard that i was lazy, but i knew it coul...I always heard that i was lazy, but i knew it couldnt just be that. Thank you so much for writing your thoughts down. I think im ready to talk to someone from now on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-20684691278715034992015-01-11T10:24:27.783-05:002015-01-11T10:24:27.783-05:00I'm so happy I'm not alone!.. Thank you fo...I'm so happy I'm not alone!.. Thank you for leading me in the right direction! It's a good feeling to know you're not a weirdo :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-28383377996201875342014-12-19T20:10:34.107-05:002014-12-19T20:10:34.107-05:00Sorry for my English; I did not write it well. I w...Sorry for my English; I did not write it well. I will use a translator. I have a friend named Amanda, was born when his mother had to get away from an abusive man, despite the years Amanda wanted to see his father. As a teenager had his first crisis, desd then is a person diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (in America, borderline). I met Amanda and I found it very pretty, but then discovered it was a very good friend, since I feel this under my protection, and when I could've helped so I could live in this society so unspiritual. I want to say that depression happens precisely why commented, there is often a gap that is not filled in our hearts, some people lose touch with your soul and live in continuous darkness, my friend Amanda has a stigmatized life; and takes many different medications for many years and has only 38 years.<br /><br />I accept your life, but can not let any innocent on this planet left unattended and less a person; Amanda this day not feel like I was missing something, like if one day elephants or polar bears become extinct humans when acting as a robot is very cruel, and for me there is no being sensible expendable in land; Amanda hope to have more light coming years, take fewer drugs as you can see note tender will be happy. Depression in the realm of consciousness does not exist only in the mind, society makes us live in the mind through the personality; I am powerless with all my spirituality to reach Amanda's mind, but his heart always try to arrive, may one day be tune to your spirit of all :)Danielhttp://danigrafic.cat/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-28447447394747458812014-12-18T08:43:55.715-05:002014-12-18T08:43:55.715-05:00If I could just cross that one thing off the list....If I could just cross that one thing off the list...realizing that The List is perpetual and that that One Thing is not the solution to problem is a good first step on that journeyAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06056892790260650939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-77838118332682105432014-12-18T08:08:33.410-05:002014-12-18T08:08:33.410-05:00I haven't checked in with your page in awhile,...I haven't checked in with your page in awhile, I haven't checked in on much lately. It it simultaneously comforting and terrifying to hear ones' own personal hate spiral being expressed through another's words. This is my life verbatim, taking tentative baby steps toward the future - accepting invitations, engaging new people thinking they may actually like me, getting the bloodwork done, doing rather than planning on doing, trying to convince myself that the future doesn't hold more of the same. It's comforting to know that we don't have to walk that path alone. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06056892790260650939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-68390547115570239342014-12-15T21:17:52.501-05:002014-12-15T21:17:52.501-05:00Thanks for sharing and opening up to us. I think I...Thanks for sharing and opening up to us. I think I understand what you're going through, but it does not sound like my depression. I think my depression started when i switched to my brother's high school. At my other school I had finally started talking to friends and had somewhat changed from my shy and quiet self so thrusting myself into a new environment was probably a bad decision. My brother introduced me to his friends and I could talk to my team mates in the sports I joined, but I still was not the same. After high school was when depression really hit me. I had no friends besides my brother whom I was very close with. It wasn't until I had some trouble in the university and switched back to a community college, that I found a old high school friend. That was a connection I needed, something besides family that helped, but still dif not recover from my depression.<br />My depression was similar to what you described. I would stay in and not get anything really productive done. I would stay up late and sleep in. People were saying that this needed to change and said I should change, but I didn't care. I kept doing things like this. There were some days that I was somewhat happy and could do a few things, but things were usually monotoned and slow for me.<br />I realized through yoga with introspection and self-reflection that there were some issues that needed to be fixed. There were also some things that I needed to overcome personally such as insecurity and being alone. But I think the most profound thing that stuck out as being a problem was my relationship with my Dad. I tried counseling with a psychiatrist and found that it wasn't helping. I had a conversation with my brother about our relationship with our parents that really helped me to figure things out some more and so it took a lot of courage, but I finally got to talk things through with my Dad and I've felt better and been more open to conversation with others. I'm not sure if you have something like this that you need to repair, but I hope this helps and I hope this see that is hope for people in this situation. <br />I wanted to point out. Well, it has been more of a personal goal, but I never want to see drugs whether legal or illegal to be used unless absolutely necessary. I know there has been some that pills need to be used to balance hormones and things, but I believe a person can change without this and alterations to themselves. I also wanted to point out that it is not bad for you to sleep in because some times your body knows what's best for you and will take in a few hours of sleep if it needs to recover so do not let that worry you too much.<br />I'm glad to hear you are being pro-active and getting out to talk to others and that there is hope for a brighter future. I wish you blessings and keep seeking support when you need it. There will always be people to support you so keep doing what you love most.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-71337033816849430422014-12-10T10:53:16.827-05:002014-12-10T10:53:16.827-05:00Just a few days ago I fell in love with your work ...Just a few days ago I fell in love with your work on instagram.<br /><br />This morning, while feeling unmotivated and very much identifying with your feelings in this blog post, I, well, found your blog post--- and I am glad that I did. <br /><br />I really needed to read this today. I don't think it was an accident, and I do think my day will go a little more smoothly having absorbed it.<br /><br />Thank you so much for sharing your experience.<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04084648999844648940noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-20502789227384811492014-12-09T16:25:48.503-05:002014-12-09T16:25:48.503-05:00Thank you for writing this. We need the brave ones...Thank you for writing this. We need the brave ones to share and then it helps us all to talk about it and realize "it's not just me!" You and everyone else commenting have touched on many things I've dealt with. I truly feel lazy, guilty and beat myself up from time to time thinking I should be further in my art and all the other projects I'd like to do. I'm an introvert, so I feel I've allowed that to be an excuse, or maybe I'm not really understanding myself enough as to what could be the best way for me to work or why I go about things.<br />Your work is beautiful and I'm inspired when I see your posts and pictures. You have a true talent and that really shines.<br /> <br />(A friend who is in the creative field began a blog about his depression and work http://makermistaker.com/ I read his posts and feel empowered to do something. Like wake up early...)Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03208725588791671226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-66304694445858049942014-12-09T07:07:13.829-05:002014-12-09T07:07:13.829-05:00Honestly, I think this post was amazing. There are...Honestly, I think this post was amazing. There are so many people out there who feel the same way, or struggle from similar issues... but no one ever talks about these things. We all just walk around like we're doing fine, and then go home and curl up and want to disappear... but when someone takes a chance and shares how they really feel, it opens the door for others, letting them know they aren't freakishly alone.<br /><br />So thank you for sharing. :)Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15111661500387424612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-92162062745859523452014-12-08T16:31:41.595-05:002014-12-08T16:31:41.595-05:00Hope it helps?? Are you kidding?? It's like be...Hope it helps?? Are you kidding?? It's like being cold and someone puts a warm blanket over you. It's like being lost and someone stops and says, "it's ok, I know where you are and I'll tell you how I found my way". Thank you thank you Amanda. And to think I was only looking for dolls. mizblueAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-8978732993833394742014-12-06T18:04:22.676-05:002014-12-06T18:04:22.676-05:00Hi, Amanda. Thank you for sharing such a personal...Hi, Amanda. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing. It's no small achievement to throw something like that into public. :) | FYI. You're a really good writer; I could not help but think that several times while reading your brave post. | You're certainly on the right track to improving things. Action! Act yourself into becoming what you want. The doing is what gets it done. Obviously a healthy foundation is key to this. The goals you have set are an excellent start for strengthening your foundation. | I have had depression all my life. (Eventually anxiety joined the mix. Oh fun!). So I can totally relate to you. | 2013 was a shite year for me. I was even on medication and still sliding into a pool of darkness with no light in sight. But towards the end of 2013 I found hope. Hope is essential. Hope is a powerful light against the darkness. One must have hope. So I found hope again, and even got off medication. Woot! As a result, all of 2014 was a major healing year for me. I was not productive in some things that I thought I would be, but I was not on medication, and not having any depression or anxiety. Yes, there were some spikes (you know how that goes), but I was finally on the side of optimism and positivity, so I had the power to instantly fight the darkness off before it could take root again. That is so important with depression. You cannot let it take hold once you've managed to cast it out. "It loves you and wants to return home, but once it's in, all it does is destroy the house." Heh-heh. | It feels so good to feel good. Hope got me back on track, but it is my daily routine of eating healthy and working out that empowers me to keep depression out. Any time I feel an invasion of depression, I workout! In addition to exercise releasing helpful endorphins it is also a form of productivity. Being productive is a major tool against depression. | I have new and improved goals for next year, because I'm finally ready for the next stage. 2015 will see me out-and-about, more active, and more productive... thus more happy and more armed than ever with the power to keep depression away! :-D Oh yeah, baby, I'm pumped and read. LOL. Which feels awesome. | Sorry for such a long post. I'm a long-time fan of yours, and it's really great and inspiring to know you are taking steps to change and improve your life - to kick depression in the @ss! Heh-heh. "Go girl!" ;) You can do it. Your fans are behind you. Raa! Raa! Raa! | Live in the NOW - this moment. There is no tomorrow; there is only today. All we have is now. | And now I am shutting up! LOL | Peace, blessings, and <3 to you. -MMgonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12596402410928496683noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-16671012509354959832014-12-06T15:54:29.539-05:002014-12-06T15:54:29.539-05:00You are so right, things do not have to be this wa...You are so right, things do not have to be this way, I put some small changes in place this year with my Depression/Agoraphobia and saw big changes for the better as an effect of it. You keep moving a teeny bit forward and soon you will be in a better place. It may always 'be there' but you can and will deal with it if you refuse to let it beat you down. Big love to you hun xMicki Wildehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09719473182855936757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-91468991506292711132014-12-06T13:23:28.344-05:002014-12-06T13:23:28.344-05:00Not patronizing at all, thank you for sharing that...Not patronizing at all, thank you for sharing that!! It's always good to remember that it IS possible to overcome obstacles. And you are very, very right about the being gentle with yourself part...my boyfriend is always reminding me that if someone said the things about me that I say about me, he'd punch them in the face, ha ha. It's a very good point. None of us are perfect, and I DO truly believe that if you're moving forward - even if it's really slowly - you're still moving toward the right place. Thank you so much for the encouragement!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-27298829750958822402014-12-06T13:19:10.119-05:002014-12-06T13:19:10.119-05:00Thank you :) And yeah, it's not exactly a fla...Thank you :) And yeah, it's not exactly a flattering thing to admit. And people that don't deal with it, even if they are not malicious about it, well, you kind of fell stupid telling them about it, because you're always afraid you'll be judged as being lazy or weak. It's hard. I can imagine that without the ability to easily go outside into the world, it would be extra difficult to keep getting some stimulation and input coming in. We've all got different struggles, but they have the same thing in common, which is, they keep us from being the person we really want to be, and that can be so frustrating. BUT, I'm not willing to accept that it has to be that way. Even if it got better by 5%, that's still better! Keep on working at it, remember you're not even remotely alone, and that, at least in my experience, friends and family are often a lot more receptive to talk and listen than I had feared. Hang in there!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-46281562149154921212014-12-06T13:15:10.588-05:002014-12-06T13:15:10.588-05:00Have you ever really thought about why you procras...Have you ever really thought about why you procrastinate? I've really had to start taking a hard look at the WHY of the things I do. It could be all kinds of things - maybe you're subconsciously afraid that they won't turn out the way you hope, or the idea of the time commitment required feels overwhelming, or that there's just something to it that's making you unsure...it could be all kinds of things. I think in my case, I have a really, really hard time getting started. Once the ball gets rolling down the hill, it can go forever, but getting it to that point can be nearly impossible. Honestly I can't even really say why it's so hard, all I know is that it is. I always call it my "inertia problem", ha ha. Often I find I REALLY put off doing "big" or "important" projects, because they seem overwhelming. Maybe if you could break your projects down into smaller pieces, it would help? I actually like doing things assembly-line style, and almost never just make one thing at a time, because it's easier on my mind to do them in chunks. Like, I'll sculpt 4 faces at one time, just going back and forth on all of them until they are done. But I consider THAT the project. Then getting them ready for paint is another. The painting is its own project. Then picking out fabrics and assembling materials. Each one becomes a smaller project, so it doesn't feel like a huge long thing that is weighing me down! You can seriously break them down into tiny bits, and see if that helps, like "trace pattern pieces" (checkmark!) "cut pattern pieces" (checkmark!). Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-47908304383519381862014-12-06T13:07:42.369-05:002014-12-06T13:07:42.369-05:00Thank you - and you take care as well. Don't f...Thank you - and you take care as well. Don't forget how many of us are out there - we CAN do this!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-63748088104104207972014-12-06T13:07:14.108-05:002014-12-06T13:07:14.108-05:00Yup. Absolutely - I'm a total quiet-lover too,...Yup. Absolutely - I'm a total quiet-lover too, which is hard! I honestly don't really like to listen to music, or listen to people talk all the time, but when left in the quiet, my mind wanders. Some things I've found help me are listening to audiobooks that I REALLY get into, so that when I'm out in nature, or in otherwise quiet spaces, my mind can go back to the book and think about the story or the characters, rather than the inner voices. I try to fill the quiet voids with *different* inner monologues, too. Like coming up with new blog topics, or thinking about how to solve creative problems. Even something silly like singing to yourself, or making up poems, or drafting emails before you write them, or even a sort of "commentary" on what you're doing (I'm totally guilty of talking to myself, ha). Maybe just try to experiment and see if anything helps! I know we can do this ;)Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-80731369943873960022014-12-06T13:02:34.195-05:002014-12-06T13:02:34.195-05:00It's TOTAL bullshit! I think the worst part a...It's TOTAL bullshit! I think the worst part about it is that, on so many levels, you KNOW it's bullshit. You know it but for some reason you're completely powerless to fix it, which makes you feel stupid, which just feeds into it over and over again. It's really vile stuff! I think there are actually a whole lot of people who go through this, but just don't talk about it. I mean, you already feel like you're lazy or weak or unmotivated, and that's not really something you want to bring up in public. But we're out there. And I think we can all support each other. Keep going!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-78379971827367966092014-12-06T13:00:27.380-05:002014-12-06T13:00:27.380-05:00You've been through a lot - it's totally u...You've been through a lot - it's totally understandable for you to be dealing with such things! Especially not being able to move around much...it's one thing to have the "invisible hand" not letting you drive the car of your life, but when you're not even able to, my god, it would get to anybody. I love the Hyperbole and a Half blogs - I know she seriously deals with it too, and her comics are so honest and so, so utterly true, ha ha. Thank you for the kind words and suggestions - it helps a lot to know that my online friends have my back!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-31108667563686599742014-12-06T12:55:37.091-05:002014-12-06T12:55:37.091-05:00It's a seriously nasty spiral, isn't it?? ...It's a seriously nasty spiral, isn't it?? I agree with you, the blogging is a really important part of my self-therapy. Not in a "talk myself through things" kind of way, but like you said, it's a documentation of the things you HAVE done. I think it's important to go back and remember things, and social media of all types makes this really easy to do. And oh, this Ohio gloom...I don't think we have had a sunny day for a week, it's so hard to keep motivated!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8384899670745756374.post-86042128758980219512014-12-06T12:50:41.551-05:002014-12-06T12:50:41.551-05:00I think it's especially hard for people who wo...I think it's especially hard for people who work in creative fields, because our art is not only an extension of ourselves, it's a part of us. You're outputting from your inner self, in a very real way, every time you create something. And it's hard to find that balance of output and input, especially when you throw depression or anxiety into the mix. Remember to try and see yourself in the way the people who love you do - as someone who really CAN do what they want to do. Just keep at it!Amanda Louise Spaydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17745146845879367082noreply@blogger.com